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Author Topic: Help! Contact after rehoming?  (Read 3979 times)
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natalie
26yrs, Jersey, Channel Islands
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Barnaby Biggins


« on: November 06, 2015, 10:57:34 AM »

Hi everyone

I haven't been here for quite some time but hope everyone is doing well.

This is so hard to write as I'm absolutely devastated, but hubby and I have come to the decision that we have to rehome our beautiful Barnaby.  I haven't really talked about this with anyone except my immediate family as it's just too hard, but I desperately need some advice and don't know where to turn.

Unfortunately Barnaby is terrified of our 16 month old son and has gone for him a few times now, thankfully with no contact having been made!  We took him to a dog trainer and behavior expert when it started and things seemed to improve for a little while, but went downhill again recently.  I'm finding it so stressful having to be constantly in between them in case anything happens and now, with another baby on the way (due in February) we don't feel as though we can give Barnaby what he needs or protect him and our children the way we need to. 

Barnaby spends a lot of his time hiding instead of snuggling up with me as he used to and it is clear that he isn't as happy as he once was, so it is a decision we've come to as much for his good as for our children.  Not that that makes it any easier to be honest.  He's been our baby for 9 years and we love him immensely. 

We think we have found the right home for him and he has been living there for the last week (he went for a trial run while we were on holiday and the family - a friend of mine with older children - seem to genuinely love him too). 

My question really is whether or not it is right for me to still see him?  On the one hand I don't want him to feel suddenly abandoned and wonder where I am but, on the other, I don't want to confuse him and make him unsettled by popping in and out.  I'm meeting my friend for dinner some time in the next week to talk about the long term but I'm not sure she will keep him if I say I won't go to her house any more.  I guess I'll have to cross that bridge if/when I come to it, but what do you all think about still having access to a dog that has been rehomed?

Thank you!

Natalie
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darwinsmom (Chris)
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« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2015, 11:40:04 AM »

I was actually going to suggest that you try to find a friend or family member to take him so that you could still see him before I got to the part where you said you had done that. It seems like a win/ win situation to me- he gets a less stressful home but doesn't have to never see you again. That's just my opinion. I also want to applaud you for protecting your children before anything unfortunate happens. Overall, I think you are doing the right thing and you need to let yourself off the hook a bit. It's obvious you feel horrible, but being an adult does mean making tough choices sometimes. It sounds to me like your doing the best thing for everyone.
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Freedom (Sandie)
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« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2015, 11:32:23 AM »

I don't see a problem with you visiting your friend once he lives there.  Perhaps do not visit for the first 2 weeks, just to let him adapt and realize this is now HIS home.  Then resume as always.  I'm not sure that dogs imprint the way cats and birds do, I have never looked in to it.  But 2 weeks would be plenty of time for him to learn that is where he stays, with you coming and going at odd random times.

I agree with Chris, this is a very hard place to be in, but pull up your big girl pants and do what is best for all.

Be cautious about visiting with your children -- he WILL still remember the one you have now for a very long time. And the new infant, well be cautious.  It is not clear (and not sure anyone knows unless Barnaby decides to start talking) if he is jealous of the loss of your time, or scared of the flailing unpredictable movements of babies and toddlers.  So while you have an infant in arms that should be fine for visits.  Of you have to set the infant down, use a bedroom and close the door.  ALWAYS be careful with him and toddlers; your friend will need to know this as well, in case she has nieces, nephews etc. of that age.

Sending you hugs as you work through this difficult situation. 

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natalie
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Barnaby Biggins


« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2015, 08:09:18 AM »

Thank you both!  Smiley

We've had confirmation that our friend wants to keep Barnaby, so he's found a new forever home!  Yay!  I'm so happy.  Well, as happy as I can be in this situation.  I've been totally upfront about the problems we were having (his anxiety stems from him having been fallen on by a toddler and hurt a few years ago and then Ethan suddenly becoming mobile in a baby walker which freaked him out) but this friend has two older children (nearly 10 and 12) who adore Barnaby...and the feeling is mutual.  In fact, the youngest child has been begging her mum for a little white dog for 2 years now, so she's particularly thrilled and just lavishing love on him.  They all know to be careful allowing him in the company of younger children so hopefully this should work out well.

I'm going to leave visiting for a good few weeks yet as we've previously left him for 3 weeks when we've been on holiday and I don't want him to think I'm there to pick him up as I have done in the past, then we'll start with meeting up on walks to begin with as I think he's less likely to expect me to take him away with me that way.  That isn't necessarily true, but it makes me feel better to think I'm being as cautious as I can be with his settling in.

The house is really not the same without him and I still regularly cry about it, but I must admit that I hadn't realized how on edge I was until now.  I actually find myself sitting back on the sofa and relaxing while Ethan plays with a toy, rather than be constantly ready to pounce if they come into contact with each other.  I'm quite confident now that I've made the right choice for BOTH my boys, which makes it easier to cope with.  Smiley

Thanks again - so grateful for your advice!

Natalie x
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Freedom (Sandie)
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« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2015, 09:21:51 AM »

Aw Natalie, of course you cry about it.  This is not what you anticipated, and a family member has relocated.  The new family sounds wonderful for him.  Do be sure to tell them about  BCA!!!  Maybe we can all keep seeing and enjoying that little white fluff.

Yes the relief you feel sure supports that you made the best choice in a very difficult situation. 
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southjerseycraig
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« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2015, 11:29:19 AM »

Natale, always remember you did the right thing. May I ask a completely  irrelevant question? You remarked that you have left Barnaby for three weeks to go on holiday, as you Britishers call it. (Americans would say "vacation.) Did you board Barnaby or did you have a dogsitter or friends take care of him? I'm interested because I am thinking of getting a fluff, and I am wondering how best to handle vacations.
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pam
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« Reply #6 on: November 12, 2015, 12:44:39 PM »

Oh Natalie - so sorry that you had to rehome Barnaby but so pleased that he has found a super new home. Totally understand how you must be missing him but think about the reduction in stress levels.  I know many people manage bichons with young children but BFR for example will not rehome to a family with children under 7. The children often forget that the dog is not a toy and things can go haywire.  You have undoubtedly done the best thing for Barnaby.

Craig - in our case the dogs go with us on holiday  original.  I have only left them once for a couple of days with pet sitter and they were traumatised.

Pam
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natalie
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Barnaby Biggins


« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2015, 09:28:40 AM »

Thank you, Pam - he really does seem to be settling in well with his new family and I find that Ethan has much more freedom at home now as I'm much more relaxed.  I guess both of them are better off!  Smiley

Craig - until now Barnaby has only ever been left with people he knows when we've been away as another member of my family would move in to our house if we went on holiday.  Personally I'd be really wary of putting him in kennels or anything like that or leaving him with a stranger as I've heard too many negative reports and Bichons can be so sensitive at times.  Smiley
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Alison
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« Reply #8 on: November 17, 2015, 02:33:45 PM »

Thats such a hard decision for you.

My Grand Daughter is 18 months and Abby ( 9 )  was terrified of Ellie when she began to crawl.She didn't show signs of aggression,but would shake and chew her leg raw.

We sat between them at all times and were so worried Abby may snap in fear one day.Thankfully now Ellie is walking they have become lovely friends although we still watch closely.

They didn't live together though and we had the time to make sure we watched constantly when Ellie was here.Alison
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bKay, Bullett & Coco
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« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2015, 12:31:15 PM »

Natalie, I'm sorry you've had to re-home your Barnaby.  Knowing he is in a good home has to be a little comforting but I know you will still go through the mourning of losing him.  I had to do the same with one of my dogs many years ago due to young children moving in and he was too nervous around them.  A friend that lived 1 1/2 miles from me took him for a couple years until she had a baby and by then I was on my own so I took him back.  After a few visits she said he would whimper,  cry  and look for me out the window for a couple days when I'd leave so it was decided I would not go see him anymore.    Your friend should be able to tell you if visiting is going to work or not.   Hope you are able to visit him.   Congratulations on the new addition to your familiy!
Kay 
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natalie
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Barnaby Biggins


« Reply #10 on: November 20, 2015, 11:18:10 AM »

Thank you Alison and Kay - I'm so glad it worked out for both of you in the end!  You never know, one day I might get my little Barnaby back with me too.  I don't hold out much hope for that, but it would be so lovely to think it's a possibility.  I haven't been anywhere near him since leaving him at the end of October because I'm too nervous about unsettling him, but all the reports are that he's doing incredibly well and being completely doted on by my friend's little girl.  Ethan (my little boy) still shouts "woof woof" as soon as we arrive home every day and occasionally asks for "Ba Ba", but I think he's getting used to not having him around as well.  I'm still finding it very strange and quiet in the house, but I guess it'll take quite some time to get used to - he was my shadow for 9 years after all!  Smiley  x
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Alison
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Abby ( South Wales )


« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2015, 04:32:55 PM »

You did your best for everyone and although I know its so hard for you I'm glad to hear he's settled down.It was easier for me to manage as I could plan to do nothing but watch Ellie and Abby together when Ellie came to visit.I don't know how I'd have managed if they had lived together.Alison
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